F. Scott Fitzgerald is quoted as saying; “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas at the same time and retain the ability to function.” It is easier for us to latch on to a certain position or idea rather than weigh alternatives and make difficult choices. We humans love shortcuts and seem constantly to be looking for an easier, softer way. When we experience these opposing positions, called cognitive dissidence, the perception that two ideas or actions contradict one another, we become uncomfortable and try to resolve the contradiction.
My family celebrated holidays, Christmas and Easter, but it was a secular celebration with Santa Claus, Christmas trees or Easter eggs and bunnies. Holidays were centered around food like the Eastern European treats that grandma made, kielbasa, and perogi and galupki and kugel. Being a fat kid, I enjoyed this part of the holidays but gave little thought to the religious significance.
Grandma died when I was eight, and it was for the following year that I was exposed to a large dose of organized church. Grandma, although ethnically Jewish had married a Russian Orthodox man and my mother, Olga, decided that she and I would observe the tradition of a year of mourning and mass attendance at St Michaels Russian Orthodox church in Chicago. It was a difficult lesson.
The Orthodox church had no pews. You either stood or knelt on the marble floor during the interminable “High” mass that lasted 2 – 2.5 hours every Sunday. The sickly-sweet smell of the incense was awful. The mass was said in Russian of which I had a very limited understanding. It was through the teaching of my mother that I was exposed to the concept of “Original sin”, the sacrifice of Jesus Christ by crucifixion for the atonement of sin and the concept that we all were sinners and could do nothing to personally wipe away our sins. That God was an angry all-powerful being that would someday destroy the world and all the bad people in it. This was not “good news” and at eight years old, I was scared spitless.
As I grew older, from time to time I would be invited to attend church with neighbor kids or cousins or my parents’ friends. Roman catholic, Lutheran, Presbyterian, (I met my 3rd wife at Marlboro Presbyterian church when I was around 11 years old. I was part of the boy scout troop there), Methodist and in a couple of instances a Jewish synagogue, I was exposed to a veritable smorgasbord of church. None of it moved me. I liked the singing of hymns but could not wrap my head around a God that loved me but sent his only son to be killed as a sacrifice like the Passover lamb. I found the idea of being washed in the blood as barbaric and disgusting. I was confused that no matter how hard I tried to follow the rules, it was never good enough and that if I didn’t live up to the standard of God, which I didn’t understand, I would likely go to hell and be tortured for all eternity. In retrospect, it sounds a lot like the pharmaceutical commercials that outline the side effects, (may cause anal leakage).
Still, I instinctively believed that there had to be more to this religion thing. Humans had been worshipping various deities since the beginning of humans.
I reasoned that there had to be something. But none of the religious people, (nuns, priests, ministers), had answers that made sense to me. The scriptures weren’t logical. The stories were fantastic and unbelievable and I continued to feel alienated, cut off, frustrated and angry. A little later in life, I converted to the Roman Catholic church, and went sideways.
I continued through life, doing the best I could but still feeling angry, frustrated and cut off.
I finally got to a point where I understood that I had every right and duty to myself to understand things, and that others were welcome to share what I had found. But I also finally realized that what was right to and for me was not necessarily right to and for someone else. And that it was necessary for me to respect their right to believe it but not demand that I believe as they do.
It was just before my 2nd wife died that I decided to research religious belief and spirituality in the same way that I had researched law cases. I am still researching and seeking and in the posts that follow, I will share, step by step and bit by bit what I have found. Hopefully, I will finally come to a cognitive and logical explanation of what I believe and why I believe it.
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Pat Kansoer
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